cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
You Might Also Like
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama