[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?


Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-


Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?


If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.


me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING


[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!


Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.

Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you


When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger


I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.


imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day