[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
You Might Also Like
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Autocorrect completely socks
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?