Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
A French press is when you hug naked
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?