Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

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Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.


SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea


People who are genuinely surprised when politicians behave badly should be forced to wear helmets for their own protection.


Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.


Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR


Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.


My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?


They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.


People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.