Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Cop: what? no 72
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
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Just asked my hairstylist for the “Bieber.”
He shaved off all my pubic hair.
Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.
date: i really like your shirt
me: thanks [remembers girls like bad boys] i stole it [remembers girls also like nice guys] from an old man i was helping walk across the street
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.