Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit