Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
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When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law