Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
good let them take over I have had enough
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”