Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
The answer is funnier than the question
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Hmmmmm
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.