Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
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According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
welcome back
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so