Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
You Might Also Like
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
termite twitter scares me
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Never forget.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together