I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
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what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He’s doing a 3 year stretch.
Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Bad grammar is awful, but bad spelling is worserer.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.