Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
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Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits