@daemonic3

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

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@zachreinert03

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@chadchaines

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

@generaldietz

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

@StewieTea2

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He’s doing a 3 year stretch.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.

@jazmasta

There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.

@DurtMcHurtt

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.