COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
when you order from DoorDastardly
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…