Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.