@thatUPSdude

Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school

Cop;…….

Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?

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@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@SteelCityDawn

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?

@Terdoh

Eat, Pray, Love was such a boring movie, I watched it on a plane and people still walked out.

@Reverend_Scott

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

@AbrasiveGhost

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

@YSylon

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

@tbhjuststop

actors kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 5 months