“You will regret this later” is not what to write in an engagement card, apparently.
Cop; Know why I pulled you over?
Me; Because you got beat up in high school
Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
You Might Also Like
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.