I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?