Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school


Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?

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“You will regret this later” is not what to write in an engagement card, apparently.


Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is


Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.


Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends


Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland


Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle


One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.


Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.


[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too



Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.


2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.