Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Cop; Know why I pulled you over?
Me; Because you got beat up in high school
Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
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A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Eat, Pray, Love was such a boring movie, I watched it on a plane and people still walked out.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
actors kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 5 months