Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough