@jctwritesstuff

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

You Might Also Like

@bornmiserable

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

@Dawn_M_

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

@weismanjake

If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”Mikecanrant”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3779625598/ad268c029bb34c06cdfd3a299f8b7cf6_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347125599673937920″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”290″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Dating progression

Me at 16: She’s ugly.

Me at 21: She’s alright.

Me at 30: I’d hit that.

Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@KWalps

priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat

@_definitlymaybe

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

@TheTalkingPipe

They say it’s the journey that matters and not the destination, which is good because I’ve no clue where I’m going.

@Shade510

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

@ch000ch

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

@mustachewine

I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term ‘manhole’.

Maturity will not be reached.