BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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*standing behind home plate*
-Beware of my dog-like reflexes.
-Shouldn’t it be cat-like reflexes?
*catches baseball with my face*
If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.