Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
you will never know the true number of layers
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.