Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

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“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”


People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.


If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”Mikecanrant”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3779625598/ad268c029bb34c06cdfd3a299f8b7cf6_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347125599673937920″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”290″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Dating progression

Me at 16: She’s ugly.

Me at 21: She’s alright.

Me at 30: I’d hit that.

Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat


If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!


They say it’s the journey that matters and not the destination, which is good because I’ve no clue where I’m going.


(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary


I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term ‘manhole’.

Maturity will not be reached.