@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

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@wankcity

“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*

@emmabetsinger

There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.

@markydoodoo

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

@sonictyrant

HORSE: *walks up to the bar*

ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?

HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry

@DanOverHere

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

@13spencer

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

@Rollinintheseat

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

@smithsara79

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car