Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@SarcasticAlly12

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

@Pass_DaTeqila88

Just tell me which one is wrong! The user ID or the password???

@danielvisme

I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.

If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [googling] depressed what do

google: consult a doctor

me: [googling again] depressed what do NO people NO talking

@me_all_over

Spank me once, shame on you.

Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.

@StrugglesBGbb

It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

@Mr_Kapowski

If you’re ambushed at night, technically you got pmbushed

@jake_likes_naps

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

@onionheart_

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.