“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.
I’m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
HORSE: *walks up to the bar*
ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?
HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car