Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
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Just tell me which one is wrong! The user ID or the password???
I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.
If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.
me: [googling] depressed what do
google: consult a doctor
me: [googling again] depressed what do NO people NO talking
Spank me once, shame on you.
Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.
It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
If you’re ambushed at night, technically you got pmbushed
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.