Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
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Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
consequences, the bane of my existence
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂