Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
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I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Animal poetry
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.