I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
It was only after I started dancing in the food court – alone – that I learned flash mobs are planned…
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.