Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
BRAKING NEWS!!
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady