Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
You Might Also Like
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Yes, this is exactly right
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?