Cop: Know why I stopped you?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.


Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.


When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target


Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.


ME: Natasha is short for Sodiumtasha

PRIEST: My son, do you have a confession or are you here to torture the lord


Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong.


My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.


It surely can’t be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name


I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.


First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.