Groceries be like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
bruce wayne: wait shit no
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.