Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
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A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS