@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

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@jimmytorosian

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

@TheIntComShow

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

@bobvulfov

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

@jonnysun

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

@_MustBeArkaydia

Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

@Browtweaten

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS