Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.