I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
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In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Not my job 😂
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before