Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
WHO DID THIS?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
LMAO.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?