@LostCatDog

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

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@DitzMcGeee

[a blind date]

me: you look disappointed?

him: your text said you model…

me: autocorrect must’ve changed it; i don’t model, i yodel. hey where are you going, should i just order for you?

@lecalabara

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

@stevevsninjas

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

@maliagif

boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s

@minfiliawarde

me: hi
english person: you mean you don’t have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES
me: Aight man have a good day

@PleaseBeGneiss

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

@david8hughes

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

@dafloydsta

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO