Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.