Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
dictator is short for richard potato
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.