Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
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*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.