Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.

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That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.


There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house


Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.


Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.


It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.


Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”


I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?


My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”


Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary


I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.