@FrogAvalanche

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

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@HenpeckedHal

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

@meganamram

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

@FatherWithTwins

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

@TwinSurvivalist

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

@MeatloafComedy

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

@David_Ingram

Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”

@RBColl

I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?

@perolikewyd

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

@SortaBad

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

@DaveTheAlbino

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.