Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
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AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy