COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
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My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]