Anyone who’s voice doesn’t jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
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Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
THIS IS SO TERRIFYING
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Saturday night, time to get crazy! *shuffles Uno cards*