@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

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@YayForJam

Anyone who’s voice doesn’t jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living

@13spencer

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

@Kyle_Lippert

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

@weinerdog4life

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

@Book_Krazy

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

@robfee

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*