COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
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How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Imma just leave this here…………