Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

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if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me


TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red


#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies


Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.


When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.



It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.


Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what’s not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.


KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room

ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?

KID: yes

ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight




Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”