@noogscorner

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

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@milkinhisbag

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

@the_hawlk

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

@briangaar

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies

@Sirrruh

Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.

@noxxhell

When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.

@KalvinMacleod

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

@just1fool

Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what’s not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.

@AndyAsAdjective

KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room

ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?

KID: yes

ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight

@

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@envydatropic

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”