Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
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We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.