Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Human are so complicated
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha