COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”