Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
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*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.