My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
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Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.