I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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I’ve been trying to eat healthier so I ate a vegetarian.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
-You talkin to my girl?
-What if I am?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place