COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

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Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”


google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law


*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*


[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”


50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.


-You talkin to my girl?
*pops knuckles*

-What if I am?
*cracks neck*

*dislocates shoulder*

*breaks collarbone*

*fractures skull*