Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.


Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you


Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.


If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.


*i get chased into a dark alley*
Please no
*two men walk up to me holding a knife*
“If you join our insurance you can save up to-”


[in the club]

Me: did it hurt?

Cute Girl: excuse me?

Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?

Cute Girl: yes it did.

Me: once again I am so sorry.


[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out


Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.