[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.
What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
I hate it when you tell someone that you’ll always be there for them and then they call you to help move
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?
Parenthood. It’s for you
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
All I want for Christmas is to have this generational curse lifted and also maybe an air fryer
12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”
Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.
12: *giggles for 5 minutes*
You are so my child