Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dave_cactus

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

@beerfartchamp

I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.

What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?

@Sean_Burgundy_

I hate it when you tell someone that you’ll always be there for them and then they call you to help move

@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

@DBMaxP

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

@MarlonBrandNO

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

@iamburtjarvis

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@ThisLocalHater

All I want for Christmas is to have this generational curse lifted and also maybe an air fryer

@SnizzleFrizzle

12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”

Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.

12: *giggles for 5 minutes*

You are so my child