@naazihah

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

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@CYComedy

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

@DropsNoPanties

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

@bourgeoisalien

Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.

@bazecraze

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

@Epygma

*i get chased into a dark alley*
Please no
*two men walk up to me holding a knife*
“If you join our insurance you can save up to-”
NOOOOOOO

@NewDadNotes

[in the club]

Me: did it hurt?

Cute Girl: excuse me?

Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?

Cute Girl: yes it did.

Me: once again I am so sorry.

@Home_Halfway

[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out

@aneesa_p

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.