@CYComedy Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
@naazihah Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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@CYComedy 
@DropsNoPanties Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
@bourgeoisalien Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.
@bazecraze If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
@Epygma *i get chased into a dark alley*
Please no
*two men walk up to me holding a knife*
“If you join our insurance you can save up to-”
NOOOOOOO
@Pork_Chop_Hair *sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
@NewDadNotes [in the club]
Me: did it hurt?
Cute Girl: excuse me?
Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?
Cute Girl: yes it did.
Me: once again I am so sorry.
@Home_Halfway [Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out
@eff_yeah_steph My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
@aneesa_p Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.