Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I’m giving up for Lent.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse