Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
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former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks