FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
You Might Also Like
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
GOD: Make them imperfect…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
The best things in life are free.
Like your neighbor’s wifi, their morning paper & their liquor cabinet while they’re away, for instance.
cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.