@jollyrobber

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

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@MAngelo505

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

@3sunzzz

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

@PwrFulWmn

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

@thevaginadiary

I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.

@slimmy_shady

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

@BenjaminJS

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

@GetCougarized

The best things in life are free.

Like your neighbor’s wifi, their morning paper & their liquor cabinet while they’re away, for instance.

@ohen39

cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.

@RunOldMan

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.