i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
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What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Check out the legs on this baby
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan