Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
was Jim off killing horses or…