Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
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Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.