Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

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Saying “I’ve gone viral” a month ago

– awesome dude
– that tweet was so funny
– dopamine be hitting you hard

Saying “I’ve gone viral” now

– stay away from me
– no I won’t shake hands
– don’t lick my doorknobs
– don’t high five my grandma


Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?


“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…


Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.


No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.


I’m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.


3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.


If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.