Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Aaaa…CHOO!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”