@Dorkstress

Cop: Ma’am, what’s in the bottle?

Me: Just some water.

Cop: Ma’am that’s wine…

Me: Jesus did it again!!

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@batkaren

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

@SwiftOnSecurity

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

@aksorojas

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

@TheAlexNevil

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

@AimeeHelene1

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

@lisaxy424

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

@McClaneJohn2

I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that stupid power walk.

@thepatrickwalsh

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear