A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again