Cop: Ma’am, what’s in the bottle?

Me: Just some water.

Cop: Ma’am that’s wine…

Me: Jesus did it again!!

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My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.


Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter


ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows


“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”


“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)


Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.


Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.


I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that stupid power walk.


Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear