cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july