Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.