Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

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What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.


Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.


Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.


[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.


her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom

me: good idea


her: what is this on the bed

me: *seductively* paprika


Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee


Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh


Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.