The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
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Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.